Author Guide · Psychology · Relationships
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In 1985 a staff psychologist at the Menninger Clinic in Topeka, Kansas, published The Dance of Anger, described as the first book published in the United States on the subject of women’s anger. Harriet Lerner, born in Brooklyn in 1944, had worked at the clinic since 1972 and would stay until 2001. The book became a New York Times bestseller and has been translated into more than 35 languages; her books together have sold more than six million copies. She went on to write a series of “dance” books on intimacy, deception, connection and fear, then books on marriage and apology. This guide covers her 10 key books, in order, and where to begin.
By Lisanne Swart · 10 key books · 1985–2017 · Updated October 2026
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Quick answer
Harriet Lerner has written 12 books: ten for adults and two children’s books with her sister, Susan Goldhor. The best known is The Dance of Anger (1985), followed by The Dance of Intimacy (1989), The Dance of Connection (2001) and Why Won’t You Apologize? (2017). Start with The Dance of Anger; the other books build on the ideas it sets out.
Where to Start with Harriet Lerner
If you want the book that started it all
→ The Dance of Anger (1985) — anger as a signal, and how to change your part in the pattern.
If you want help with a hard conversation
→ The Dance of Connection (2001) — what to say when you are hurt, scared or angry.
If you want to repair a relationship after a hurt
→ Why Won’t You Apologize? (2017) — her book on apologies, given and refused.
If you want short, practical rules for a couple
→ Marriage Rules (2012).
10 Harriet Lerner Books, in Order
The Dance of Anger
Lerner treats anger as a signal that something in a relationship needs attention, and shows how the same arguments repeat with partners, parents and colleagues. Her advice is to change your own part in the pattern rather than try to change the other person, and to expect pushback when you do. It became a New York Times bestseller, has been translated into more than 35 languages, and was revised in 2005.
Women in Therapy
A collection of her professional papers on the psychology of women, written for therapists rather than general readers. It critiques traditional psychoanalytic ideas about female psychology and revises them from feminist and family-systems perspectives.
The Dance of Intimacy
The follow-up to The Dance of Anger, about closeness and distance in key relationships: with a partner, parents, siblings and children. Lerner sets out the small, specific steps that change a stuck relationship, and why the way we act in one family relationship affects the others.
The Dance of Deception
On pretending, secrets and lies in women’s lives, from faked orgasms to family secrets to whether to confess an affair. Lerner argues that secrets divide families into insiders and outsiders, and generally favours telling the truth about infidelity so the problems in the relationship can be faced. Publishers Weekly called it insightful but mainly focused on marriage and family.
Life Preservers
Readers’ letters and her answers on love, friendship, marriage, parenting and sexual politics. Many first appeared in her New Woman magazine column, “Harriet Lerner’s Good Advice”. The paperback is subtitled Good Advice When You Need It Most.
The Mother Dance
Motherhood seen from two sides at once, as a psychologist and as the mother of two sons, from pregnancy to children leaving home. Mixing humour with personal stories, it returns to one lesson: children need unconditional love, not a perfect mother.
The Dance of Connection
A book about emotionally charged conversations: a wife who suspects her husband is having an affair with a colleague, friends whose bond strains after they move in together. Instead of generic assertiveness techniques, Lerner covers when to speak, what you hope to achieve, how to apologise and listen, and what to do when the other person does not respond as you hoped.
The Dance of Fear
On anxiety, fear and shame, which she describes as uninvited guests that shape what we do at home and at work. Drawing on cases from therapy, it separates the fear that protects us from the fear that keeps us small, and shows how to act bravely while still anxious.
Marriage Rules
Just over 100 short rules covering the hot spots in long-term relationships, including communication, conflict, technology and stepfamilies. The premise is that one partner following ten chosen rules can change the whole relationship.
Why Won’t You Apologize?
Drawing on more than two decades of studying apologies, Lerner explains what makes an apology work, why some people cannot apologise at all, and what the hurt party needs, including how to resist pressure to forgive too quickly. In 2020 it was the basis of a two-part episode of Brené Brown’s podcast Unlocking Us.
In What Order to Read Harriet Lerner
The books stand alone, but The Dance of Anger sets out the ideas the rest rely on: anger as information, changing your own steps in a repeating pattern, and expecting resistance when you do. Reading it first makes the later “dance” books easier to follow.
After that, pick by problem: The Dance of Intimacy for family relationships, The Dance of Connection for a difficult conversation, The Dance of Fear for anxiety, Marriage Rules for couples, and Why Won’t You Apologize? for repair after a hurt. Women in Therapy is written for professionals and is best left for last.
A reading path
1. The Dance of Anger (1985)
2. The Dance of Intimacy (1989)
3. The Dance of Connection (2001)
4. The Dance of Fear (2004)
5. Why Won’t You Apologize? (2017)
Everything Else Harriet Lerner Published
Beyond the 10 key books: 2 more, grouped by kind.
Open a group with the + to see every book in it.
Children’s books, with Susan Goldhor
2
2 books · 1996–2001
- 1996What’s So Terrible About Swallowing an Apple Seed?picture book, illustrated by Catharine O’Neill
- 2001Franny B. Kranny, There’s a Bird in Your Hair!picture book; a Children’s Choice for 2002
The years · 1944–2020
Quick facts about Harriet Lerner
- Known for
- She is known for reframing women’s anger as a signal worth listening to, and for practical books on changing the patterns that keep relationships stuck.
- 1944
- Born in Brooklyn, New York
- 1972
- Joins the Menninger Clinic, Topeka
- 2001
- Leaves Menninger after 29 years
- 2020
- Guest on Brené Brown’s Unlocking Us
- Born
- 30 November 1944, Brooklyn, New York
- Education
- BA, University of Wisconsin–Madison (1966); MA, Columbia University (1967); PhD in clinical psychology, City University of New York (1972)
- Worked
- Staff psychologist at the Menninger Clinic, Topeka, Kansas, 1972–2001
- Family
- Married to the psychologist Steve Lerner since 1972; their sons are Matt Lerner and the novelist Ben Lerner
- Sales
- More than six million copies combined; published in 35 languages
- Honours
- Kansas Woman of the Year (1990)
The red mark is 1985: The Dance of Anger, her first book for general readers and still her best known.
How Harriet Lerner Writes: Changing Your Own Steps
Lerner trained as a psychoanalytic psychologist and spent nearly three decades at the Menninger Clinic. Her work revises psychoanalytic ideas about women from a feminist and family-systems perspective: problems are seen as patterns between people, in which each person’s moves provoke the other’s, rather than as flaws inside one person.
That is where the “dance” in her titles comes from. Her advice is almost always about changing your own steps rather than the other person’s, stating a clear position calmly, and expecting others to push back when you do. She explains this through cases from her practice and her own family, in plain language without jargon.
The later books get shorter and more practical: Life Preservers answers readers’ letters, Marriage Rules is a list of just over 100 rules, and Why Won’t You Apologize? breaks apology down into what works and what does not. The ideas stay the same as in 1985.
Watch
Harriet Lerner on the apology you never got
At TEDxKC in 2016 Lerner talks about why some people never receive the apology they deserve, and offers a six-sentence guide to reaching the person who hurt you.
Frequently asked questions about Harriet Lerner’s books
How many books has Harriet Lerner written?
12. Ten are for adults and are listed on this page, from The Dance of Anger (1985) to Why Won’t You Apologize? (2017); the other two are children’s books she wrote with her sister, Susan Goldhor.
What are Harriet Lerner’s books in order?
The Dance of Anger (1985), Women in Therapy (1988), The Dance of Intimacy (1989), The Dance of Deception (1993), Life Preservers (1996), The Mother Dance (1998), The Dance of Connection (2001), The Dance of Fear (2004), Marriage Rules (2012) and Why Won’t You Apologize? (2017).
Where should I start with Harriet Lerner?
The Dance of Anger. It sets out the ideas the later books build on. If you need help with one specific conversation, The Dance of Connection is the most practical alternative.
What is Harriet Lerner’s most famous book?
The Dance of Anger (1985), a New York Times bestseller translated into more than 35 languages. It is described as the first book published in the United States on the subject of women’s anger.
Is The Dance of Anger only for women?
It was written for women and is subtitled A Woman’s Guide to Changing the Patterns of Intimate Relationships, but its advice on anger and repeating patterns applies to anyone. The publisher says it changed how both women and men view relationships.
What is the order of the Dance books?
The Dance of Anger (1985), The Dance of Intimacy (1989), The Dance of Deception (1993), The Mother Dance (1998), The Dance of Connection (2001) and The Dance of Fear (2004). They are not a series with a plot, so each can be read on its own.
Is Harriet Lerner related to Ben Lerner?
Yes. The novelist and poet Ben Lerner, a MacArthur Fellow, is her son. Her other son, Matt Lerner, co-founded Walk Score. Her husband, Steve Lerner, is also a psychologist.
What does Harriet Lerner say about apologies?
In Why Won’t You Apologize? (2017) she explains what makes an apology sincere, why some people refuse to apologise, and why the hurt person should not be pushed to forgive too quickly. She discussed it in a 2020 two-part episode of Brené Brown’s podcast Unlocking Us.
Has Harriet Lerner written children’s books?
Yes, two, with her sister Susan Goldhor: What’s So Terrible About Swallowing an Apple Seed? (1996) and Franny B. Kranny, There’s a Bird in Your Hair! (2001), which was named a Children’s Choice for 2002.
Footnotes
- Harriet Lerner — Wikipedia
- Lerner, Harriet 1944– — Encyclopedia.com
- Harriet Lerner — official website
- Harriet Lerner — Penguin Random House
- The Dance of Deception — Publishers Weekly, 1993
- The Dance of Connection — Publishers Weekly, 2001
Bibliography last verified 9 October 2026. Where sources give different first-publication years, this page uses the year in library catalogues or the publisher’s own record.
This list was not put together by a machine.
The notes are all mine,
and the books are all his.
Lisanne x
Written by Lisanne Swart, who has curated reading lists and author guides at lisanneswart.com since 2021.
See more on her personal bookshelf.
“Anger is a signal, and one worth listening to.”
— Harriet Lerner, The Dance of Anger (1985)
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